stageright…stageleft


from the book of obvious….
September 6, 2006, 7:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
….dating sucks.

fucking sucks.

so cb (and ray, camel, ax and many others who read this blog) will tell you that i’m too picky when it comes to dating and that perhaps, just perhaps i should be more open to the experience and date/fuck/whatever with more regularity and bring down the curve when it comes to who i choose to go out with. i know they mean well, and i do appreciate it (on a certain level ), pisses me off too. lol.

and i have to admit hearing them say it as often as they do has kinda got me to thinking, do i expect the unachievable? do i have a wish list of characteristics of a future partner that i will never be able to mark off all of the options?

i don’t really think so. am i choosy…? yea. and truth be told, i’m kinda ok with that. yes i spend too much time home alone and i certainly would like to explore the forbidden fruits more than i do – but at the end of the day, i just don’t wanna settle…. and damnit, i don’t think i should have to.

my list of desirables is actually not all that long, and certainly not that specific. of course, everyone lusts after the guys with perfect bodies and money and all of those trappings, but in the big reality of day-to-day life, i really don’t expect those things. i’m a far site from perfect, i don’t expect anyone else to be perfect.

what i do expect/want/desire is intelligence, loyalty, compassion, talent, humor and sexy eyes (the only physical trait that’s a must – i like to get lost in eyes). i find that my physical type changes frequently and has much more to do with the person than the body.

so with cb’s words ringing in my ears i agreed to “meet” a guy on sunday. this particular guy – lets call him bob, is someone i’ve talked to on and off for about a year online. Invariably, these conversations never went particularity well. bob you see, was fond of not really answering questions or giving vague responses all the while informing me that i was the one with the problem. more than anything i hate feeling like i’m being fucked with – nothing will make me pissed off faster than feeling like i’m being played. repeatedly this is how i felt with this guy, yet he would always come back, initiate the chat and be charming for a bit before pissing me off. i feel like i’m playing a game to which i don’t know the rules.

well sunday, he found me online and asked me out. it was a beautiful day and he suggested a drive to stillwater. stillwater is about 40 miles away from minneapolis and one of the most beautiful small towns you’ve ever seen. i agreed (somewhat hesitantly) realizing i need to put myself out there if i ever expect to have someone in my life again, right?

well, almost immediately i knew it wasn’t gonna go well. when he picked me up, his car was a complete and total mess – shit everywhere (if your going to insist on driving, as he did, at least stop at a gas station before hand and toss out the trash) – and he was a smoker. my gut response was to say thanks, no thanks – but then i thought… “maybe saying no right off the bat is part of my problem”. so i got in the car and away we went.

perhaps it was nervous energy, but bob was a mile-a-minute talker. talking about all the things that have happened in his life that have gone wrong and how its everyone elses’ fault. and how he hasn’t had a ltr for years, but how he had a fuck buddy for about 5 years but how he had to cut if off ’cause “it just wasn’t going anywhere”. now, i’ve noticed this is a common trait with gay men – and it annoys the fuck out of me. honestly, take a good long honest look in the mirror; invariably we all have something to do with the situation we are in. i can honestly say everything that has happened to me; i had some ownership in it.

then he launched into everything that is wrong with me personality wise – apparently he’s always thought i was a little demanding and bossy, but yet, why did he ask me out..? continually ask me out. throughout all of his diatribes he would casually grab my knee or rub against me in the car. apparently i’m also a control freak (which i really don’t think i am in my personal life… i think i’m pretty easy going in the big picture).

once we were in stillwater, he would “bump” into me while we were walking down the street or browsing in the antique stores that line the street. i will give him credit for asking if he could smoke in the car (i said no, perhaps that makes me a control freak); so he waited until we were outside… the conversation was odd and forced and he brought it back to me a time or two that we could have met a year ago if i hadn’t been so bossy online.

he was throwing some heavy signals that he would like to get to know me better (again, if i’m so terrible, why?) and on the ride home i made it pretty clear that this was not a date; just a chance to meet and hang out. as we got closer to my apartment he asked if he could come up – i said no. i mean, really – what was the point. if there was an attraction, it was certainly one sided… i’m not looking for a fuck buddy, and if i were, it would be someone a little more evolved – and someone who didn’t tell me what was wrong with me constantly.

i will say i did try, i tried to get him to talk about his passions/interests etc…, but he always just came back to how his last job did him wrong, the fuck buddy wasn’t taking it to the next level etc…

wow, i sound mean. i swear i wasn’t being outwardly mean.

there was just no spark between him and i. not even a friendship spark. and i really don’t understand why he would want to hang with me (hang being the operative word), if i’m as controlling bossy and mean as he said. (i won’t even go into detail about the awkward moment in the car with the hug/handshake/kiss moment – ewww).

i really don’t get it.

i’m sure bob is a good person, but he’s just not the person for me. and i’m not the person for him.

if this is what my friends mean by get back out there and lower my standards, i don’t want to. i’d rather be alone.

is it so hard to find someone that can challenge me mentally, physically and emotionally who’s not afraid of being real or just wants to hang out and cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, or go up north and go camping or go enjoy a nice dinner? i want someone that has interests and passions and believes in something.

yes, i’m lonely (wow that was hard to admit to the world at large), and i do want to put myself out there more, but at what cost? i lost about 3-4 hours of my life i’ll never get back – all for what, to hear about what a rotten person i am, while having the same person throw themselves at me?

it’s just not worth it.

i
hate
dating.

but i’m not going to give up – i’m going to try and put myself out there more, flaws and all.

music heard…:

sophie b. hawkins / listen
the twilight singers / feeling of gaze
new order / working overtime
tori amos / fayth
george clinton / paint the white house black
thomspson twins / lay your hands on me
wendy and lisa / always in my dreams
prince / do me baby
alanis / hand in my pocket
siouxsie & the banshees / face to face
meshell ndegeocello / fool of me


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5 Comments so far
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Comment by NYC Taxi Shots

Though I am in a LTR, I remember having to play the field… it is tough, but to give up 3 or 4 hours of your life to hopefully find the one that will take up all the hours in your life it worth it… as with all things in life, you have to go through a bunch of shit to get to the good stuff… hang in there, take a chance from time to time…it will pay off when you least expect it… Hang in there…Take care…and sorry bob was a smuck…

Comment by Kelly

My new nickname for you is now “Jif”. because you are one choosy mother. đŸ™‚

Comment by cb

*groan*

Sorry Kyle, that was a shitty date. Sounds like he thrives off making people smaller. That’s a huge need.

Keep at it but I’d hardly consider anyone that belittled or evaulated me anytime. That’s not a shopping list issue, that’s just expecting to be treated as you would treat others.

Comment by Ray

That sounds like an awful date! I do hope you won’t let it be the end of dating…

Instead of making it the end, make it the “it-can’t-get-a-whole-lot-shittier-than-Bob” starting point for getting out there more often.

I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there to give it a try. Do it again! At least you’ll have some great stories to tell…

Stacey

Comment by Anonymous




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